The cynical crayon

• Don’t drink the bath water
• Don’t lick the tub
• Don’t eat the bubbles
• Please keep the water in the tub
• You can’t put the soap up there
• If you pee in the tub I have to wash you again.
• Don’t poop in the shower!
• You can’t bring toilet paper in the bathtub 
• Stop hoarding all the bath toys!
• You can’t keep the bubbles away from your sister
• Yes we have to wash your hair again.
• That isn’t a spider in the tub its a piece of your hair
• Stop chewing on your Rubber ducky
• Sucking the water out of the wash-cloth is the same as drinking it.
• Stop chewing the foam letters
• Please don’t lick the soap
• Don’t stick your fingers in the Jacuzzi jets
• Please move over, your bum is blocking the water from going down the drain

Pssssst….Hey you! Yeah you! The one in the park with your children running wild. One kid about to run into the busy street. Another on the verge of a swan dive, off the jungle gym. 

May I offer you a piece of unsolicited advice?

Put down your damn phone,book,magazine or any other handheld distraction. Keep an eye on your kids!!!! The park is a safe place, when there is appropriate supervision.  When your kids are acting crazy it makes it hard for other people to enjoy themselves. Kids have lots of energy and the park is a great place to expend it. 

You know what the park isn’t good for? Its not a good place for children under the age of 4 to play unsupervised. Children are innocent creatures capable of just about anything. They have limitless imaginations. You read your child a story about birds and they start flapping their arms. Next thing you know your kid thinks they can fly.

This why the park is not the place to take a mental vacation. This not the place to catch up on email, read your twitter feed, play angry birds or use your ipad. 

When your 14 month old is about to face plant off the slide, you shouldn’t be on your phone. I take my kids to the park to have fun and it’s MY responsibility to ensure their safety.

There is an old African proverb that says it takes a village to raise a child.  I agree with this statement wholeheartedly. Neighbourhood parks instil a sense of community. We see our friends and neighbours and we all want to have a good time. We look out for one another.  

I have two kids and there is only one of me. Maybe my daughter wants to swing and my son wants to go on the slide. I split my time between the two activities so that I can keep an eye on both of them. This involves lots of running around and some multitasking but I get it done. When we go to the park in groups, we make sure that one of us has some type of visual on the kids. 

When I see your child doing something dangerous I have to act. As a mother and human being. I am not going to stand by and watch your kid get hurt. That being said I shouldn’t have to babysit your child when you are in the park! 

Hang up the phone or put the book down. Your kids deserve better.

Don’t turn a blind eye when your child is terrorizing other children. Parents you know the kid I’m talking about. They are cursing ,throwing sand at other kids or stealing toys. Discipline your children. You aren’t doing them any favours by teaching them to be egocentric little hoodlums. Truth be told, sometimes my son is that unruly kid. At age 2 1/2 he isn’t always on his best behaviour.

That being said, I have no problem with finding a quiet spot in the park and administering a time-out. He needs to know that type of behaviour is unacceptable. 

Parents! Get off your ass and get your hands dirty. Play in the sandbox and go kick a ball. Don’t promise to take your child to the park unless you plan on going…. Body & mind.

Originally posted April 18,2012

Today had the makings of an ordinary day. I needed to pick up my daughter from preschool and my son decided that he didn’t want to come. Lately this happens a couple of times a week. He feels that it is perfectly reasonable to be left home alone. I mean he is pretty responsible and almost potty trained. What could go wrong?

Sorry kid there is no way I am leaving you home alone at age 2 1/2.  

I guess we were having too much fun and now he didn’t want to leave. We were playing dress-up and pretending to be animals. So what was I to do? My son was having a complete meltdown and I only had a few minutes to go get my daughter.

So I figured I’d pick my battles, I let my son wear the cow costume on one of the hottest days of the year. I probably won’t win any points in the Mom of the year contest, but he was happy and I got to pick up my daughter on time.

My only hope is that he doesn’t start milking this costume thing, every time we have to we have to leave the house.

This is what happens, when you let your kids  2 1/2 year old son go to the park on a chilly day. Mittens on a string are small but extremely effective buckets.

Note to self: Make sure to empty mittens,gloves,pockets and boots before letting him back in the car. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go back to vacuuming out my sons car seat. 

Someday this what life brings. My kids were screaming and yelling and being really grouchy. I decided that giving them a snack would calm them down. Well I was halfway right…

I gave them each a box of raisins and they settled down. I figured since they were calm I could treat myself to a rare luxury. A companionless visit to the bathroom. This also happens to be the moment, that daughter decided to stick a raisin up her nose. Upon my return to the kitchen, she calmly walked over and told me that there was “something” in her nose.

When I inquired as to what the “something” was, my son told me they were “eating raisins with their noses”.  After my initial assessment internal freak out, I took a deep breath and remembered the old snot rocket technique.

Guess what? it worked like a charm and as an added bonus; My son now thinks I am such a cool Mom for “making raisins fly from big sisters nose”.

• You have to wet your hands first, then use soap.
• Once you have washed your hands don’t dip them back in the bubbles.
• You don’t need to wash all the way up to your elbow, you are not performing surgery.
• I’m sorry the Green soap didn’t turn your hands Green.
• The soap may smell like candy but you can’t eat it.
• Use the towel not your pants.
• Once the towel has gone in the potty you can’t use it again.
• It doesn’t matter if you didn’t pee on your hands. You still have to wash them.
• You wipe first, then you flush. When you’ve done all that wash your hands.
• Yes you still have to wash your hands even though I wiped you.
• You have to turn off the tap, the water will not stop by itself.